


F is for Fuck

by Clovermun, Mahkachan



Category: Villainous (Cartoon)
Genre: Clover I'm sorry I dragged you to the dark side, Graphic Depictions of Idiocracy, M/M, The devil is tired of everyone's shit, hide yo kids hide yo wife or you'll be disowned, horse head wants plane senpai, luigi boards, mentions of making out with a skeleton, midnight shitposting, sacrificing virgins: fun for the whole family, satanic rituals, trigger warning: fidget spinners, trust me when i say we weren't shitfaced, welcome to hell enjoy your suffering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-24
Updated: 2017-12-28
Packaged: 2019-01-04 17:11:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12173226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clovermun/pseuds/Clovermun, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mahkachan/pseuds/Mahkachan
Summary: Collage childrun use luigi bored to summon angry faire w top het n angre isuez.





	1. Ain't got time for titles we r busy people

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mahkachan: One day, three children were doin a paper. N dey had no idea what they were doin. So Demented decided “LETS SUMMON A DEMON.” So she goes, open the door, get on the floor, everybody do the dinosaur.
> 
> The end.
> 
> Alright focus on the story.

“Shiiiiiit.”

Demencia stared blankly at the blinking cursor on her computer screen in utter despair, starting to lose all hope of graduating and eventually becoming a productive member of society (which wasn’t her goal in the first place, but _still…_ ). It’d been minutes — _hours_ — and she had written a total of one sentence. Which… was her _name_ . No matter how much she prayed to the sky and thousands of gods, inspiration simply wouldn’t come, and plagiarizing was too much work. Besides, there were even _apps_ to check for plagiarism now. If her teacher used one of those, then she’d be screwed. Well at the moment, she was screwed either way. But that was besides the point. Demencia blinked, leaning against her chair, thinking of a solution to her predicament, when she had an epiphany. Slowly, Demencia pulled out her phone and dialed a familiar number.

_Ring. Ring._

“What is it, Demencia?”

“THIS FUCKING ESSAY IS _BULLSHIT_ , FLUG! BULLSHIT, I SAY!”

“You’re just saying that because you haven’t done any of it. Also, it’s three in the fucking morning. What the _fuck_ are you doing trying to write an essay?”

“We need a solution. Something crazy. Something _wild_. We’re doing this the Demencia way.”

Flug rubbed his eyes tiredly and lethargically. He just wanted some sleep. Why couldn’t he have something as simple as _that_?

“The Demencia way is never the good way.”

“Fuck you. The Demencia way is awesome and beautiful and underrated. Y’all disappoint me.”

“Dem—”

“OKAY, SO I WAS THINKING—”

“Don’t hurt yourself, please.”

“Shut up. I was looking on Reddit and I saw this thing. These kids were summoning a dee man. Day men? Gay men?”

“A demon...?”

“Yeah, that thingy!” She agreed with a mischievous smirk on her face. “Anyway, we could do that. Shouldn’t be so hard. We need, uh…”

She squinted her eyes, skimming through the list in order to find the most important items, skipping the introduction, instructions, and, most importantly, the _warnings_. Pfft, who needed those? Nerds, that’s who.

“We need a luigi board—”

“You mean an _ouija_ board?” Flug pointlessly corrected.

“Quiet, heathen.” She huffed. How _dare_ he interrupt her. This was of utmost importance and all he cared about was her — _correct_ , mind you — pronunciation.

“Anyways, we need a _luigi_ board, a virgin, some candles—”

“... A what?”

“Candles. Ya know, those things that burn—”

“No, no, the thing before that.”

“A virgin.”

“Demencia, where are we gonna find this?” His voice shook. This couldn’t be good. Demencia wanted to summon a demon and use some poor, innocent soul as bait. He should’ve figured. That girl wasn’t the most selfless and sensible person out there, after all, and he realized this as soon as he glanced at her general direction in high school. In all honesty, he should’ve seen it coming, since she was arm-wrestling the poetry teacher while the song “Sorry” from Justin Bieber played in the background. And now she wanted to drag him (seriously, why _him_?) along for the ride.

“We’ll kidnap someone. They won’t mind. It’s for a noble cause.”

“We… We can’t do that. _I_ can’t do that. I-It’s illegal and morally reprehensible.”

“Your face is illegal and morally reprehensible.”

“I— you— ugh…” He groaned, unable to put his frustration in words, which made him even more frustrated. It was an endless cycle of frustration and tiredness. “Carry on.”

“Call Fives. Tell him we need a luigi board.”

“It’s an oui—”

“SMELL YA LATER, BYE!”

Flug set his phone down on his bedside table, then shoved a pillow over his head and rolled over. He had absolutely no intention of calling 5.0.5 anytime soon. Sleep was more important than any bullshit plan Demencia could come up with. An ouija board? A virgin? Was she really serious? He just hoped that this was some phase that would come and go by morning. It was the most he could ask for at this point. Flug had a thought and sat up, grabbing his phone to mute it before lying down again. Alright, now he was going to sleep for real. No more of this demon summoning nonsense. He didn’t need that in his life right now. Besides, he’d already finished his own essay, so why should he worry about hers? He knew 5.0.5 had already finished his as well, because they were both responsible adults while Demencia was a psychopathic woman-child with no common sense or critical thinking.

Yes, he shouldn’t worry about this...

…He shouldn’t worry about this at all…

 

**> >LETS SKIP TO THE NEXT DAY CAUSE NO ONE GOT TIME FOR DIS SHIT<<**

 

Flug groaned at the sound of his alarm. _Ugh_ ... How much sleep had he gotten? Demencia had woken him up not long after he had finally managed to fall asleep. It was seven now, which made it… four hours. _Four_ fucking hours of sleep. He just wanted to die, even though the sleep deprivation was already something he was well-acquainted with— _married to_ , even.

“And this is why I hate my life…” He muttered with narrowed eyes, forcing himself to get out of bed and get dressed. His body was working against him, begging him to give the world the middle finger and go back to his cozy, comfortable bed, which looked even more comfortable now that _he wasn’t in it_. He had a total of two outfits, both of which he had multiple iterations of that filled his dresser. It made fashion decisions in the morning significantly less difficult. He just slipped on a bright blue shirt and jeans, then clumsily laced his red converse. Close enough. Now the question was, did he have time for his lord and savior, coffee? He checked the clock. Oh, hell yes, he did. Almost tripping over his own feet, Flug made his way to the kitchen and to his favorite thing in this whole world, his god, the one he worshipped every single day: the coffee machine. Caffeine was more addictive than marijuana to him, and he’d tried smoking the latter a few times. He stopped after his last trip involved a sandwich harem. The thought still made him shudder sometimes. He sipped on his mug, tasting the fresh coffee, humming in approval. He took another sip, forgetting about the whole ordeal with Demencia entirely, when—

“ _IT’S YA BOY, DEM!_ ”

Flug choked on the coffee, feeling the hot liquid actually leave from his nostrils as a result. He swallowed the rest quickly, coughing so hard he was worried about the possibility of coughing a lung out. “What the fu—?”

“Demencia, Demencia, please let me go, it hurts!” whined someone. Flug recognized this voice. His stomach dropped.

Oh no.

“Wait, wait, Fives, I got something going here! It’s important! You’re a virgin, right?” 5.0.5 was barely able to understand what she was saying, and, when he did, his face reddened.

“Um.”

“Demencia, just leave him alone,” Flug grumbled, half awake, half dead inside. Man, he had really been hoping she’d have forgotten about this by now. But alas, he was going to be dealing with _this_ until the essay was due. Well, probably even after this. Alright, it was time to face it. He was going to be giving in one way or another. “Why are you doing this, anyway? The essay is due tomorrow. Even if you managed to summon a demon, it wouldn’t be on time. You should be working on your essay instead.” He was trying to make sense here, but his speech fell on deaf ears.

“Well, I _could_ be doing that. But I’m not. Let’s go shop for a luigi board!”

“We have class, Demencia.”

“Oh. Right.” She remembered, putting a hand on her chin. “Fuck class! Fuck the teachers! THIS IS ANARCHY!” She raised both her hands, letting out a battle cry. She dipped her fingertips carelessly into Flug’s coffee and painted dual stripes on her cheeks. Flug cringed, mourning the loss of a perfect mug of coffee. No way was he drinking that now. Well. Actually… Yeah, he was still going to drink it. Because fuck the police and the germs, he was too dead inside to care (that and Demencia’s madness was contagious). “So, come on, let’s go!” Demencia made to grab Flug’s arm, and he just barely dodged her. He chugged down his coffee painfully and let her drag him along because he was weak-willed due to being a college student and that’s what college does to you, kids. So now we had three children — a demented Harley Quinn wannabe with coffee stripes on her cheeks, a tired college student who ran on caffeine and clung haphazardly onto what little of his sanity he had left, and a pure cinnamon roll who really didn’t want to be there — walking down the street like they weren’t going to summon a demon and probably destroy the world in the process (just a normal Monday). What a perfect team. Please root for them. I think we’re ready to start a story here.

 

**> >MORE TIME SKIP CAUSE WHO NEEDS DESCRIPTION AMIRITE<<**

 

“We need a luigi board!” Demencia bellowed, hitting a nearby wall to prove a point. The cashier stared at her emotionlessly.

“Ma’am, this is a sex shop.”

“Oh, really?” She seemed surprised. Flug wasn’t. In fact, he was probably blushing and his IQ was rapidly dropping. He hadn’t even known how many possible varieties of dildos there were until just now, and he dearly wished that he had never found out. Demencia had just decidedly walked into a random store, fully ignoring its contents and striding confidently up to the front desk. “Do you guys have anything on clearance—”

“DEMENCIA!” Flug yelled, embarrassed, hiding his face in his hands. 5.0.5 was completely unaware of what was happening, and Flug wondered _how_ he wasn’t a virgin anymore. The world just wasn’t fair, was it? “Focus! Aren’t we going after the loui—ouija board?” Shit. He had almost said it. Demencia was rubbing off on him. This was terrible. The world was ending. No. The world _had_ ended. This was all some random misfiring of his brain occurring seconds before his imminent death. That was it. His doom. His parents would be disappointed. He had such a bright future, but there he was, mispronouncing a demonic device in a sex shop.

“So, do you know where we can buy candles?” Demencia asked. The cashier blinked.

“Across the street.” She answered, pointing to a very shady-looking store. “If you guys don’t value your own lives, you can go there.” Flug shook his head, thoroughly disappointed.

“I don’t value anything at this point.” He muttered. Besides, he was already questioning the very existence of the shop he was standing in and the world around it. He was already halfway through and there was no going back now. All he could do was follow Demencia and hope she gave up or had a random brain aneurysm because this would be a blessing. How much worse could things get anyway?

The answer was very, very much worse.

So now they stood in the middle of an extremely creepy shop, with the cashier staring at them intently from a dark corner, holding two fidget spinners in his hands and wearing a strange-looking fake mustache. The shop itself seemed to have absolutely no method of organization whatsoever, so they were doomed to remain there for a very long time. Demencia was the only one in the group that wasn’t bugged by this. She flung dusty tomes and other odd trinkets left and right, ignoring Flug’s protests and 5.0.5’s whines of fear and discomfort. Hey, at least she hadn’t broken anything (except for everybody’s trust, innocence, and hopes for a good day). Yet. Finally, they found a single black candle lying in the corner, gathering dust and the black auras of everyone around it.

“Okay, that’s great. Can we go now?” Flug blurted, snatching up the candle. Demencia cackled almost cruelly.

“Nope! We need four more!” Everyone in the vicinity groaned. Why was this happening? What divine force had cursed them to endure this hellish punishment? Why _them_? God, Flug was going to track those redditors down and make them shove those candles up their as—

“Aha!” Demencia grabbed another candle from a very high shelf. “Found a second one!” She raised the candle in the air triumphantly, grinning from ear to ear. Man, this was like Easter. But with candles. And in the living version of the ninth circle of Hell. And the fact that Easter did not mean summoning a demon and sacrificing virgins. Well, not their version of Easter, at least. Flug resigned himself to actually participating in this search and managed to find another candle sticking out of the eye socket of what appeared to be a human skull. He decided not to think about that part. 5.0.5 himself was also joining in, having tripped over another candle while backing away from the extremely shady cashier who was extending his hand in hopes to touch 5.0.5’s blue hair. Backing away was probably the best option. God knows where he put those hands.

“I found one!” He cried out, throwing the candle at Demencia. She successfully caught it… in her mouth. “Just why…?”

“ _Iunno_ ,” she mouthed, unable to speak properly. Flug gingerly pried the candle out from between her teeth and shoved it in his pocket, quickly wiping his hands off on her hair, which was clearly _much cleaner_ and not greasy at all. So much better. Wait, was that…?

“Oh my god, Demencia, why is there a fucking _bat_ in your hair?! Oh my god!” He exclaimed, aghast.

“Shut up.” She scoffed, patting the bat. “There, there, Pizza, Flug didn’t mean to offend you.”

“I hate this fucking family,” Flug muttered under his breath. Bullshit. This was all bullshit.

“Aw, you think of me as family?” Demencia cooed, batting her long, mascara caked eyelashes. “Would I be your amazing big sister?”

“Shut the fuck up.” He barked. “You’re more like that crazy uncle who smells weird and gets shitfaced on his daughter’s wedding and who nobody wants to sit next to.” He scowled. “And you’re one month older than me. _One freaking month._ ”

“With great power comes great responsibility. As your older sister, it is my duty to make sure I am the bestest big sister ever!”

“‘Bestest’ doesn’t exist.”

“Show your older sister some respect, Flug!”

“Can we go now…?” 5.0.5 asked, approaching the two bickering siblings. “I think the cashier is making out with that human skull.”

“Hey, skeletons can be hot sometimes.”

“Skelefucker.”

“THE BONE ZONE!” Demencia winked.

“Why am I still here?” Flug questioned, counting the candles and sighing in relief when he found five of them safely tucked away in his pocket—one of them complete with teeth marks. “Okay, we have all the candles. Let’s go. Now. Demencia, you’re paying.”

“But—!”

“With great power comes great responsibility, remember?”

“Fuck you.”

“That’s incest.”

“Incest is hot.”

“Seriously, this is why you haven’t completed the assignment yet. Or graduated. Or made any significant contribution to society.” Flug dragged Demencia towards the cash register and dumped all of the candles on the counter. Demencia waved her credit card dramatically before handing it to the extremely suspicious looking man on the other side, who swiped it with excessive lethargy, displeased. Those idiots had just interrupted his time with his dear Elizabeth II (don’t ask what happened to Elizabeth I). How could they? Once everything was done, they skedaddled out of the shop and took a deep breath. Seriously, that place smelled like vodka and dust mixed together.

“Alright, we have the candles. What else do we need?” 5.0.5 asked, putting a hand on his chest like he had just survived a heart attack. And a seizure. And a stroke. And an apoplexy. And death itself. And a sexual assault (which actually happened).

“A luigi board and a virgin.” Demencia answered nonchalantly before spotting a random woman on the streets. She immediately ran up to the poor victim. “HEY, HAVE YOU HAD SEX YET?!” The woman screamed and fled the scene, throwing whatever she was holding at Demencia. Strangely enough, it was a condom. “Shit, we’re never going to find a virgin at this rate.” Flug remained unresponsive. 5.0.5 was deeply scarred. Both of them needed psychologists. And therapists. And probably rehab. Oh, add a priest to that list. “Okay, finding a virgin will be a hard task. Let’s leave that for last.” She suggested. “Anyway, we need a luigi board.”

“You mean an ouija—” 5.0.5 raised his finger.

“No! You guys are so stupid! It’s clearly called a _luigi_ board.”

 _How did she get this far in life?_ Flug asked himself, sighing in exasperation. “Doesn't Chad have one?” He was hit with regret as soon as he said that. Oh no. Not Chad. Anything but Chad.

“Oh, good one, Flug!” Demencia grinned. “Keep up the good work and I might promote you!”

“Promote me to what?” He was afraid of the answer.

“I dunno. The luigi master? Yeah, that sounds about right!” She grabbed his and 5.0.5’s wrists, dragging them along like ragdolls towards Chad’s dorm. Time for more hell.

 

**> >Within the depths that are Chad’s dorm<<**

 

Demencia body slammed the door with a loud thunk and a bestial screech. Since when did anyone need to knock? Not her! The door opened slowly, groaning on its hinges as if even the metal itself was suffering from her antics. The first thing to emerge from the dark, musky room was a latex horse mask, soon followed by a body clothed in booty shorts and a hoodie covered in cheeto dust. Flug groaned and 5.0.5 took a step back. They had reached enemy territory, and every move had to be carefully calculated from now on. Chad was a… curious case. He’d been wearing that horse mask ever since high school, and no one knew his true face. Some say he has no head, others say he’s a Medusa, and others say he’s just ugly. Flug believes he’s suffered some deep mental trauma.

“Flug, sugar!” Even without seeing his face it was clear that he was grinning as broadly as possible.

“Chad.” Flug greeted dryly, trying to sound as disinterested as possible, which wasn’t that hard as his voice already sounded like the pained wheezes of a dead man brought back to life because not even hell wanted him.

“So, what brings you to my humble abode?” He asked, leaning against an invisible wall, which made him fall to the floor just about as gracefully as a newly hatched kiwi bird. So suave and sexy that one might even think him to be the god of love himself, a reincarnation of sexiness. No, this wasn’t sarcasm at all. Shut up. I’m being serious. Stop laughing. Back to this abomination of a story.

“We need your ouija board.” Flug informed him.

“ _Luigi_ board.”

“No, it’s definitely an ouija board.” Chad told Demencia. It was pointless. And a mistake.

“You’re wearing a fucking horse head. What do you know about luigi boards?”

“Fair point, m’lady.” He grabbed a fedora from his table and tipped it.

“I can’t believe what I’m seeing.” 5.0.5 whispered with wide eyes.

“Can anyone?” Flug muttered, trying not to focus on _who_ was doing all of this. It was time to just get the damned ouija board and get out because he couldn’t handle this level of intelligence insufficiency. It was starting to affect him. He’d rather be doing a satanic ritual at this point. He’d rather be _sacrificed_ in a satanic ritual at this point. At least Hell didn’t have Demencia in it. Yet. Hopefully. Oh, shit, he just jinxed it, didn’t he? _Fuck._ “Alright, do you have the board or not?”

Chad chuckled lightly. “Anything for you, darling.” This made Flug cringe. He wasn’t getting off that easy. He could already tell by the tone of the other’s voice that he intended to keep them in there for a long, long time. “Here, why don’t you come in and sit down while I look for it? I haven’t seen it in a while.”

“Great. Just great. This is exactly what we needed.” Flug muttered under his breath. Regardless of how little he _wanted_ to, he followed Demencia, Chad and 5.0.5 into the dorm and sat down on a ratted couch that reeked of mountain dew and doritos. It was a little sticky to boot. He tried to touch it as little as possible. Demencia, on the other hand, didn’t seem to care, spreading across as much of the couch as she could without bumping into anyone else. Scratch that. She was bumping into everyone. Her limbs were sprawled across laps, arms, hands, faces, multiple planes of existence. Not even God himself could beat her in levels of omnipresence, omniunawareness and omniassholeness. Meanwhile, Chad was effortlessly looking around for the ouija board. And by looking around for the ouija board I mean looking for a good vantage point to see Flug’s ass. He was also looking for condoms but don’t tell Flug yet, it’s a surprise (wink). That’s when he spotted a really dusty board lying around, covered in cheeto dust and— oh my god, was that a cockroach?!

“OH SHIT!” He jumped back like a cat seeing a pickle.

“What? Did you find it?” Demencia asked, turning around eagerly.

“GRAB THE SHOVEL! GRAB THE SHOVEL!” Chad yelled, extending his hand, expecting someone to hand him the shovel.

“What shovel?!” Flug asked, looking around. That’s when he spotted the shovel—but seriously, why a freaking _shovel_? — and grabbed it, handing the tip to Chad in order to make as little contact as possible. This had been his goal in life since high school, when that monstrosity started hitting on him incessantly. Chad hastily grabbed the shovel and started hitting the board with it in order to kill the cockroach. Flug spotted the insect and stomped on it. Everybody in the room sighed. “Wuss.”

“Thanks, babe.” Chad winked at Flug under his mask, but thankfully Flug didn’t see it because, if he did, he would’ve thrown up there and then.

“Don’t call me ‘babe’.” He spat.

“Alright, darling.” Flug whipped out his phone.

“Siri, how do I block someone in real life?” He paused. “Also, send me a list of hitmen in my area.”

“Alright, here’s the ou— _luigi_ board.” Chad corrected himself. _Smooth move, man._ 5.0.5 and Flug thought. The latter made a move to grab the board but Chad suddenly raised it above his head, making everything even more difficult. “Actually, I want something in return.”

“What?” Flug was annoyed. He would give Chad anything if that meant he would finally get out of there. That’s when the horse-headed man grabbed his chin.

“Your _virginity_.”

… Except that.

“I would rather lose it to a cactus.”

“That can be arranged.” Chad purred in his ear. Ew, ew, _ew._

“I’m too young to go to jail, I’m too young to go to jail…” Flug murmured. This was his mantra now. He was having thoughts of homicide. And then he would bathe in bleach. His body was impure. Everything was contaminated. His mind, his body, his soul. He needed a bible, like _now_.

“I got it!” Demencia jumped and snatched the board from Chad’s hand. “Come on, Flug, just whip your dick out and be done with it.”

“I’D RATHER DIE.”

“Are you into necrophilia?” Demencia asked Chad.

“NO.” Flug bellowed. His mind raced as he tried to find something to combat all of this. Finally, he came up with something and blurted it out before his mind, soul and body failed him. “D-Don’t we need a virgin for the spell?”

“Spell?” Chad asked skeptically.

“Yes, hopefully a spell to make you go to hell because heaven would sucker punch you into oblivion as soon as they saw your face, or lack thereof.”

“Don’t hurt me, babe.” Chad put a hand on his chest, where his heart _should_ be. “Save it for bed.”

“I am surrounded by megalomaniacs.”

“NO MORE TIME TO TALK LET’S GO!” Demencia grabbed 5.0.5 and Flug by the wrists and dragged them out of the dorm without another word to Chad, much to Flug’s relief. Thank _god_ no more.

But things were just getting started...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clovermun: Pfft. I'm good.
> 
> (that's literally what they said)


	2. Handle with NO CARE WHATSOEVER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summoning the d-man.

It wasn't long before the trio found themselves in Demencia’s room—a gaudy, hellish mess of bright clothes, boy band posters, pictures of all the people she stalked the past year, and satanic relics. To top it all off there was, of course, a large terrarium full of hiding places and heat lamps for her beloved lizards, besides a small bed and a pot of blood for Pizza.

“Alright, let’s do this!”

“We’re gonna die,” 5.0.5 whined.

“If I die then I'll get to fuck some hot demons and push old people down the stairs so I don't really care.  _ Anyway! _ ” She pushed several heaps of paper and binders off of her desk and set down the ouija board. “Let's get started.”

“Shouldn't we be reading some satanic verse or something? I don't think ouija boards are generally used for demons.” Flug hesitantly interjected, looking down at the ouija board suspiciously. It had come from Chad, after all, so naturally he'd be less than pleased by its presence. He was somewhat surprised (and relieved) to see the board wasn’t wearing booty shorts too.

“Oh, right! I remember the thread said something about that!” Demencia grabbed her phone from her hair — making Flug wonder  _ why  _ it was there in the first place — and skimmed through various threads. With her free hand she pulled out a lighter and held it out to 5.0.5. “Can you light the candles while I look? Arrange them in a circle or something.” She waved her hand nonchalantly. “Maybe draw a pentagram with chalk, too. That sounds cool.”

5.0.5 seemed slightly taken aback. “We can’t just do whatever we want, Demencia! There has to be a pattern so this will work.”

“Don’t care, bitch,” she replied. After a few minutes of scrolling she found what she was looking for. “Alright, that’s it!” She fist-pumped the air. “Oh, yeah, this is fucking happening!”

“I want to die,” Flug responded cynically.

“I want you to die too, but now’s not the time.”

“Alright, just read the fucking spell or whatever.”

Demencia took a deep breath and stood straight, beginning to speak in a melodramatic tone, and even putting a hand on her forehead for good mesure. "Lord Santa, by your grace, rant me, I pray tree the power to convince in my mind and to exeggutor—”

“DEMENCIA, THAT’S A FUCKING POKEMON!”

“Hush, I’m reading—that witch I desire to do, the end which I would stain by thy help, O Mighty Santa, the one True Dog who incest and forest forever and ever. I trot tree to inspire Black Hat to manifest before me that he may give me that fucking assignment, so that I may accomplish my desired end, provided that it is proper to his office. This I respectfully and humbly ask in Your Name, Lord SaNTA, may you deem me worthy, dADDY"

At this point Flug and 5.0.5 had given up, and they were now preparing for death. Much to their surprise, nothing happened. Wow, all that buildup for nothing.

“Alright, congratulations. You wasted our entire d—”

“ **That was the most pitiful fucking summoning I have ever been forced to witness.** ” Flug, 5.0.5 and Demencia all yelped. A tall being stood behind them, dressed in a pristine suit and black top hat. A displeased expression creased the dark grey skin of his face, and he had his arms crossed. All he needed was to shake someone’s hand so that this disappointment of a ritual was complete.

“Wow, he’s hot,” Demencia said.

“You’re a fucking idiot,” Flug hissed. “You didn't even say the name of a real demon. We have no idea who you just summoned!”

“He looks like a Jehovah's witness,” 5.0.5 whispered.

“ **Are you all going to sit there yammering or are we going to make this deal official? You best not be wasting my precious time. And to answer your rather rude comment, Flug Slys, I am indeed a demon, and I am most certainly Black Hat.** ”

“Holy fuck, it knows my name.”

Demencia was practically vibrating with glee, while her ‘friends’ were vibrating with sheer terror. She was way too into this. 

“ **Not** **_very_ ** **holy,** ” Black Hat commented, tapping his foot impatiently. “ **State your business. I tire of your shenanigans.** ”

“I uhh… need to finish my essay, but it's so haaaard!”

“ **Child, I can destroy this entire galaxy with a snap of my fingers. I can create horrors beyond your comprehension. I am death and life. And yet, all you want is for me to write a mere** **_assignment_ ** **?** ”

“He does make a good point,” Flug muttered. “It'll be late anyways. Why the fuck does it matter? Let's think about something that'll actually have an impact on our lives.”

“Like taking your virginity?” She suggested, cackling with a wicked glint in her eyes.

“How does this impact  _ your _ life?!” Flug screamed.

“ **So impertinent.** ” He scoffed. “ **Although the neon-colored human does raise a point. This is the most pitiful virgin I’ve ever seen.** ” He paused for a second. “ **If you want another human to copulate with, I can suggest someone named Chad—** ”

“I’D RATHER FUCK A CHAINSAW SIDEWAYS.”

“ **That can be arranged.** ”

“What do you do with virgins, anyways? The spell thingy said to offer one.” Demencia glanced between Black Hat and Flug.

“ **I either take their souls or their virginity. I used to feed off of purity, although it is no longer a necessity to me.** ” The demon explained. Flug slowly inched away from Black Hat, attempting to hide behind Demencia. “ **Hiding won’t do anything, human. I’m not interested in you. I am not that desperate.** ”

“Ouch.” Flug commented, wincing slightly. Though it was indeed a relief, he couldn't help but be offended. He wasn't  _ that _ bad, right?

“If you don't want Fluggy boy, then what  _ do _ you want in return? We have to give you something.”

This made the demon pause. In all honesty, these three didn't have anything at all that could possibly be of use to him. “Let’s offer Chad,” 5.0.5 joked. “He won’t mind.”

“ **Oh, please.** ” Black Hat huffed. “ **Even Hell doesn’t want** **_that_ ** **creature.** ”

“Oooh, what a burn.” Demencia whispered. 

“Chad himself is already a self-roast.” Flug replied. “He doesn't need anyone else to do it for him.”

“How did he even lose his virginity?”

“He probably fucked the horse mask.”

“OTP!” Demencia squealed, laughing hysterically.

“ **_QUIET._ ** ” All the candles in the room extinguished themselves, the lights flickering out. Oh boy. They were in trouble now. Everyone went dead silent, realizing that they had fucked up. “ **What do you want. You better come up with something, as well as an offering in return. Something** **_other_ ** **than that pathetic virgin.** ”

Flug grumbled to himself. “For the second time,  _ ouch _ .”

“ **You know what? I’ve had it.** ” Black Hat narrowed his eyes. “ **I no longer care about an offering. Simply ask for anything so I can just go away.** ” 5.0.5 raised an eyebrow.

“Can’t you just… leave?”

“ **If I could I would’ve done it a long fucking time ago.** ”

“Oh…”

“Ah, I have an idea!” Demencia raised her hand excitedly. Flug and 5.0.5 braced themselves. “I want Pizza to become a  _ dragon _ .”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake—” Flug buried his face in his hands. Demencia was going to get all of them killed. Black Hat simply rolled his eyes.

“ **You humans have such weird fetishes,** ” he said as he snapped his fingers. The bat in Demencia’s unkempt hair flew out of the building before it started growing in size, fur fusing together into brilliant emerald scales. Its muzzle lengthened, horns sprouting from its head and pupils shrinking into reptilian slivers. Pizza let out a roar, open maw revealing quickly sharpening teeth. 

“U-Um, not to be rude, but that’s technically a wyvern…” Flug pointed out, about to launch into an explanation when he was swiftly interrupted.

“ **Flug?** ”

“Yes?”

“ **Shut the fuck up, Flug.** ”

“Ok.”

**_. . ._ **

“Guys, guys! Today’s class is canceled!” Demencia yelled as she jumped up and down holding an old-looking newspaper. Flug and 5.0.5 turned to her as she practically shoved the newspaper in their faces. They read the headline.

**_COLLEGE PROFESSOR EATEN BY DRAGON._ **

Flug groaned. “IT’S A WYVERN!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Send help.


End file.
